I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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