So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
