apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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