none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
