Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
