Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
