I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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