I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
