wrigley field is MILF paradise
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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