how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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