you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize