fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
