i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Randomize
