The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
