I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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