Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
