I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
