Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
