So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
