Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
