How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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