Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
