well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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