It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
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I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
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I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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