I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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