finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
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