im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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