Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
