She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
