I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
