Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
