I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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