dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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