I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
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