Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
