the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
