Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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