I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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