i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
