I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.