You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Actions speak louder than pants.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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