I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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