girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
