If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
