remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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