Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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