I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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