Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
