Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
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