The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
