i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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