if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
