Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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