Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You have to summon your inner elephant
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
